It Continues: Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct


#1

LONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct. “In an unfortunate development, we have been forced to remove Mr. DeLarge from his post due to the startling accusations of sexual impropriety that have come to light,” said Droog member Georgie, explaining that although the group had systems in place to swiftly address such allegations, it clearly did not adequately follow those procedures. “Even though these acts took place decades ago, it does not excuse Alex’s heinous and unforgivable actions. This is not at all what the Droogs stand for.” At press time, DeLarge had offered to undergo two weeks of rigorous aversion therapy to rehabilitate himself.

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#2

And yet another case:

LOS ANGELES—In response to recent sexual misconduct allegations against prominent figures in the industry, Hollywood officials reportedly ordered Thursday the removal of a controversial statue depicting Louis B. Mayer beckoning the actress Judy Garland to sit on his lap. “Hollywood is proud of its history, but unfortunately, this statue no longer coincides with the principles that we as an industry would like to represent,” said Hollywood Chamber of Commerce chair Arnold Slavens, adding that the statue featuring the famed film producer and MGM studio executive lasciviously gesturing to the young, concerned-looking starlet to sit on his open knee would be taken down later this afternoon. “Like the famous Hollywood sign or the stars on the Walk of Fame, this statue was a proud, popular symbol for the film industry. For a long time, when people thought of Hollywood, they immediately thought of a powerful male figure sexually preying on the vulnerable. We think times have changed.” Slavens added that the committee was already planning on replacing the statue with an equally impressive monument celebrating Hollywood’s strong tradition of forcing aging actresses out of the industry.


#3

Entirety Of Hollywood Film Industry Replaced With 40,000 Christopher Plummers

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of numerous sexual misconduct allegations against prominent figures in Hollywood, the entire film industry will reportedly be replaced by 40,000 Christopher Plummers, sources said Friday. “Going forward, veteran actor Christopher Plummer will write, direct, and star in every movie we make and is currently working with us to reshoot hundreds of features already in production,” said studio executive Christopher Plummer, adding that the entire history of film would eventually be altered with Christopher Plummers swapped in for the roles and also feature revised credits to reflect the fact that Christopher Plummers performed every behind-the-scenes task. “We’ve got Christopher Plummers serving as sound designers, foley artists, background extras, hair and makeup, key grips, and even craft services. To be honest, this was long overdue.” At press time, Plummer had been forced to resign after allegations of sexual harassment from five other Christopher Plummers surfaced.


#4

A lot of the freaks today run around like A Clockwork Orange but if they saw it on television or in the theaters they would immediately be offended. Kind of ironic isn’t it.


#5

LOS ANGELES—Saying they felt a renewed sense of duty to expose unsightly cellulite and fashion missteps, the nation’s entertainment reporters returned to the celebrity beach body beat Thursday after two weeks of covering sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein. “For a while there, it was all hands on deck to cover the breaking news of Weinstein’s decades-long abuse of power—but now, it’s back to our core mission of delivering highly unflattering shots of a pouchy-looking Leonardo DiCaprio in Malibu,” said reporter Darren Pallone, adding that setting aside the usual hunt for shots of Liam Hemsworth’s rock-hard abs in order to prioritize the hundreds of victims of Weinstein’s alleged assaults is “all just part of the job.” “Now that he’s been ousted from the Motion Picture Academy, we can return to the important work of soliciting paparazzi photos of Amy Schumer adjusting her bikini straps in her own backyard and running it under the headline ‘TOTAL TRAINWRECK.’” At press time, the reporter who spent a week confirming Weinstein’s predation was an open secret systematically concealed by the Hollywood elite was hitting “publish” on an article comparing the sagging abdomen of a middle-aged actress to that of a harbor seal.


#6

Absolutely.

This is getting out of control.